fauxklore (fauxklore) wrote,

Hammacher Schlemmer Time

It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I happened to get a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue in the mail not long ago, so I might as well mock some products. I should note that there are things in the catalogue I would actually consider ordering. I could, for example, use new pillows, but they offer so many choices that I have decision paralysis. I am also tempted by the World Championship Bagpipes, because I already own an accordion and a didgeridoo and adding bagpipes would make me the worst neighbor ever and allow me to avenge myself against the neighbor whose dog barked for 40+ hours straight during the wind storm. But I have other things (mostly travel) I would rather spend $1700 on.

The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I would love to have a jellyfish aquarium. I’d probably even be willing to spend 90 dollars on one. But I don’t want one with synthetic jellyfish. Give me real jellyfish or don’t bother.

The Circulation-Enhancing Vibrating Shoes: For 200 bucks you can get shoes that vibrate, presumably to massage your feet. It takes 40 minutes to charge them, using a USB cable, and that powers each shoe for up to 23 hours. What I don’t understand is whether that is 40 minutes total to charge or 40 minutes for each shoe.

The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: This is a folding knife which Is personalized with one’s initials and a Lincoln penny for the year of one’s birth. If you are going to spend nearly a hundred dollars on a knife, you should probably choose one that isn’t so completely hideous. Here’s a hint – you can probably glue a penny onto a decent knife for a lot less. Incidentally, if you would prefer to have a money clip for the year of your birth instead, it comes with a half dollar, not a mere penny.

The Fresh Almond Milk Maker: It not only makes almond milk, but also nut butters! So does any decent blender. You could even buy a food processor for less than a quarter of what this costs. (Personally, I am perfectly happy to buy almond milk at Trader Joe’s.)

Assorted Star Wars Tsotchkes: I am not a big Star Wars fan, so I am not qualified to comment on these. But is there really a demand for a Yoda lamp? Or a coffee press in the shape of R2-D2? An assemble-your-own wooden R2-D2? Why?

The Quinoa and Rice Cooker: Because, of course, your current rice cooker just can’t also make quinoa. Me, I use a saucepan.

The Hide-N-Seek Panda: The idea is that you hide this toy in your house and your kids look for it. What amuses me is that it hints at is location "with an authentic-sounding panda call." I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no idea what a panda call sounds like. Now, if they made a hide-and-seek indri (a particularly cute but noisy type of lemur), we could talk.

The Chainmail Sharkproof Suit: This costs $7500 and comes with "special conditions and guarantee limitations." Now, the need for a stainless steel dive suit is somewhat specialized, so I can’t really balk at the price. But if you need something like this, don’t you want it to have some very strong guarantees?

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Tags: product mockery

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