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07 March 2018 @ 02:12 pm
Hammacher Schlemmer Time  
It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I happened to get a Hammacher Schlemmer catalogue in the mail not long ago, so I might as well mock some products. I should note that there are things in the catalogue I would actually consider ordering. I could, for example, use new pillows, but they offer so many choices that I have decision paralysis. I am also tempted by the World Championship Bagpipes, because I already own an accordion and a didgeridoo and adding bagpipes would make me the worst neighbor ever and allow me to avenge myself against the neighbor whose dog barked for 40+ hours straight during the wind storm. But I have other things (mostly travel) I would rather spend $1700 on.

The Hypnotic Jellyfish Aquarium: I would love to have a jellyfish aquarium. I’d probably even be willing to spend 90 dollars on one. But I don’t want one with synthetic jellyfish. Give me real jellyfish or don’t bother.

The Circulation-Enhancing Vibrating Shoes: For 200 bucks you can get shoes that vibrate, presumably to massage your feet. It takes 40 minutes to charge them, using a USB cable, and that powers each shoe for up to 23 hours. What I don’t understand is whether that is 40 minutes total to charge or 40 minutes for each shoe.

The Year of Your Birth Folding Knife: This is a folding knife which Is personalized with one’s initials and a Lincoln penny for the year of one’s birth. If you are going to spend nearly a hundred dollars on a knife, you should probably choose one that isn’t so completely hideous. Here’s a hint – you can probably glue a penny onto a decent knife for a lot less. Incidentally, if you would prefer to have a money clip for the year of your birth instead, it comes with a half dollar, not a mere penny.

The Fresh Almond Milk Maker: It not only makes almond milk, but also nut butters! So does any decent blender. You could even buy a food processor for less than a quarter of what this costs. (Personally, I am perfectly happy to buy almond milk at Trader Joe’s.)

Assorted Star Wars Tsotchkes: I am not a big Star Wars fan, so I am not qualified to comment on these. But is there really a demand for a Yoda lamp? Or a coffee press in the shape of R2-D2? An assemble-your-own wooden R2-D2? Why?

The Quinoa and Rice Cooker: Because, of course, your current rice cooker just can’t also make quinoa. Me, I use a saucepan.

The Hide-N-Seek Panda: The idea is that you hide this toy in your house and your kids look for it. What amuses me is that it hints at is location "with an authentic-sounding panda call." I don’t know about you, but I have absolutely no idea what a panda call sounds like. Now, if they made a hide-and-seek indri (a particularly cute but noisy type of lemur), we could talk.

The Chainmail Sharkproof Suit: This costs $7500 and comes with "special conditions and guarantee limitations." Now, the need for a stainless steel dive suit is somewhat specialized, so I can’t really balk at the price. But if you need something like this, don’t you want it to have some very strong guarantees?

This entry was originally posted at https://fauxklore.dreamwidth.org/405291.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
 
 
 
spikesgirl58spikesgirl58 on March 7th, 2018 07:52 pm (UTC)
Hammacher Schlemmer is so ridiculously over-priced. It reminds me of Needless Markup. I did get a hoot out of your descriptions. :D You got them right on the nose.
Susan Dennissusandennis on March 7th, 2018 08:16 pm (UTC)
The first time I ever entered a Hammacher Schlemmer was with my Dad. He wanted to show me all the cool stuff. I was 18. It was kind of a right of passage thing. Just inside the front door was a golf bag made of this funky leather. We stopped to see what kind of leather it was.. elephant penis.
fauxklorefauxklore on March 7th, 2018 08:43 pm (UTC)
I think they may still sell the kangaroo scrotum wallet, too.

The gentleman with whom I conducted the world's longest running brief meaningless fling was once served deer penis soup in China. He never figured out what they did with the rest of the deer.
Susan Dennissusandennis on March 7th, 2018 08:50 pm (UTC)
ha. Oh we also saw a lovely handbag that had the then hot new trend of small repeated company name on plain background as design. Only when you looked closely the 'logo' was actually fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou - pretty darned racey for Manhattan in the 60's. Daddy was appalled. I was delighted.

Oh OH OH and ... that's where we saw our very first microwave oven. An Amana RadarRange. The demonstration lady cooked bacon that didn't curl up and reheated steak slices that got warm but didn't lose their pink. It was miraculous.

Thanks for opening up my memory box!
fauxklorefauxklore on March 7th, 2018 08:56 pm (UTC)
The Amana RadarRange was a popular prize on game shows. My mother wanted one but she wanted to win it on The Price is Right, not buy it. It was a lot of years before she got a microwave and, when she did, I think it was a GE.

The story is that the microwave oven was invented by accident when a researcher at Raytheon found that the chocolate in his pocket melted when exposed to the radiation.
JWG: 'guanajwg on March 7th, 2018 09:42 pm (UTC)
I didn't know that they still existed.
fauxklorefauxklore on March 7th, 2018 09:49 pm (UTC)
They even still have one physical store (on E. 57th Street in NY.)
FanSeefansee on March 8th, 2018 02:43 am (UTC)
I have been throwing my Hammacher Schlemmer catalogues out without looking at them, a decision I am now beginning to question. Even from your short list, I can see there are items in there that would enhance my life, especially the Vibrating Shoes. I have difficulty not falling over without my shoes vibrating. I wonder how I'd do while distracted by the shoes living their own life while on my feet. Hmmm. FanSee
Julieragnarok_08 on March 8th, 2018 03:29 am (UTC)
I had no idea that they still existed X_X